Why Do I Struggle in Relationships? Understanding the Impact of Attachment
Relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or familial—are often the greatest sources of joy and connection but can also be the root of deep frustration and emotional pain. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly anxious in relationships, pulling away when things get too close, or repeating patterns that leave you hurt, you’re not alone.
Much of how we behave in relationships is shaped by something called attachment style—a psychological framework developed in early childhood that influences how we connect with others. By understanding your attachment style, you can start to break unhelpful patterns, improve your relationships, and cultivate a stronger sense of security within yourself.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explaining how the way we bonded with caregivers as children shapes how we connect with others in adulthood.
There are four main attachment styles:
1️⃣ Secure Attachment (The Healthy Balance)
🔹 Feels comfortable with intimacy and independence
🔹 Can express needs and emotions openly
🔹 Trusts their partner and is responsive to their needs
If You Have a Secure Attachment Style:
- You generally feel comfortable in relationships and trust that people will support you.
- You can communicate needs without fear of rejection or abandonment.
- You don’t overanalyze when someone takes time to respond to a message or needs space.
🛠 How to Strengthen This: Even if you have a secure attachment style, relationships require continuous effort. Developing self-awareness, emotional regulation, and communication skills will keep your relationships strong and fulfilling.
2️⃣ Anxious Attachment (The Fear of Abandonment)
🔹 Craves closeness but fears being abandoned
🔹 Often worries about rejection or not being "enough"
🔹 May become emotionally dependent on others for validation
If You Have an Anxious Attachment Style:
- You may feel intense anxiety if a partner, friend, or loved one seems distant.
- You overthink texts, social cues, and interactions, looking for signs of rejection.
- You might prioritize others’ needs over your own to avoid conflict.
🛠 Therapy Can Help With:
✔ CBT & CPT – Challenge negative thought patterns that fuel self-doubt and insecurity.
✔ DBT – Build emotional regulation skills to manage distress in relationships.
✔ ACT – Learn to sit with discomfort rather than reacting impulsively to fears of abandonment.
3️⃣ Avoidant Attachment (The Fear of Losing Independence)
🔹 Values independence and keeps emotional distance
🔹 Struggles with vulnerability and emotional expression
🔹 Feels uncomfortable relying on others
If You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style:
- You may pull away when relationships get too emotionally intense.
- You prefer logic over emotions, finding it difficult to express feelings.
- You may have been told you seem emotionally unavailable or hard to read.
🛠 Therapy Can Help With:
✔ ACT & DBT – Learn to sit with emotions rather than shutting them down.
✔ CPT – Identify and reframe fears about intimacy and dependence.
✔ Mindfulness – Develop comfort with emotional presence in relationships.
4️⃣ Disorganized Attachment (The Push-Pull Dynamic)
🔹 Craves connection but fears intimacy
🔹 Feels conflicted—trusting others feels unsafe, but being alone is distressing
🔹 Often linked to past trauma or inconsistent caregiving
If You Have a Disorganized Attachment Style:
- You may swing between craving closeness and pushing people away.
- Trusting others feels both necessary and dangerous at the same time.
- You may have a history of unpredictable or traumatic relationships.
🛠 Therapy Can Help With:
✔ CPT & Trauma Therapy – Process past relational wounds and learn safer ways to connect.
✔ DBT & Emotional Regulation – Develop stability in relationships without reacting impulsively.
✔ Self-Compassion & Boundaries – Learn to set safe, healthy relationship expectations.
How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships
Attachment styles influence how we handle conflict, express emotions, and navigate intimacy.
🔹 Anxious + Avoidant? You may experience a frustrating "chase-and-pull" dynamic.
🔹 Secure + Anxious? The secure partner may feel overwhelmed, while the anxious partner seeks reassurance.
🔹 Disorganized? You may feel torn—wanting closeness but feeling emotionally unsafe.
While attachment styles aren’t set in stone, understanding them can help you recognize patterns, build healthier relationships, and develop emotional security.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
Yes! Attachment styles are not permanent labels—they are learned patterns that can evolve with self-awareness and effort. Therapy provides a safe, structured space to work on shifting attachment-related beliefs and behaviors.
✔ CPT & CBT – Identify and change negative thought patterns about relationships.
✔ DBT & ACT – Strengthen emotional regulation skills to feel safer in intimacy.
✔ Mindfulness & Self-Compassion – Learn to stay present and trust the process of relationships.
Healing attachment wounds is about learning to trust yourself first—from there, your relationships will naturally begin to change. Self-worth and developing a robust relationship with ourselves, sets the tone for all of the interpersonal relationships that we have in our lifetime.
Ready to Build Healthier Relationships?
If you recognize yourself in these patterns and want to feel more secure, emotionally balanced and connected in relationships, therapy can help.
As an English-speaking trauma therapist, I specialize in attachment-focused therapy, trauma recovery, anxiety management, and relationship healing. My approach integrates CPT, DBT, ACT, and CBT to help you understand yourself, regulate emotions, and build healthier relationships.
📌 Book a free consultation today to start your journey toward stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
